Have you been listening to those tired
old Christmas covers you hear on the radio over and over? Are you
sick to death of Nat King Coal and Bing Crosby? Have you had enough
of the syrupy sweetness that is “Last Christmas” or “Wonderful
Christmastime?” Have I got a deal for you! Here's some
recommendations to make your holiday brutally hardcore! Now, grab
some eggnog and cookies, and let's crank this sucker up to 11!
5-A Twisted Christmas
This
album starts off with a traditional version of “The Christmas
Song,” and then halfway through, it becomes an 80's glam metal
ballad. From here, there aren't many surprises. All of the songs on
the album sound like a hair metal version of Christmas songs, which
is good, but there's not much new here save a few songs. “Oh Come
All Ye Faithful” kicks serious ass (in which sharp-eared listeners
may hear a few chords from “We're Not Going to Take It” in the
guitar solo), and “I'll Be Home from Christmas” stands out
because Lita Ford serves as a guest vocalist. There's also a “12
Days of Christmas” cover that is good to sing along with at least
once each season, as it replaces the lyrics we're used to with
objects from the glam scene such as “cans of hairspray,” “spandex
pants,” “pentagrams,” and “black mascaras.”
So,
what makes this album worthy of the list? Well, it does its job. It's
glam metal meets Christmas. It doesn't do anything too heavy or
different, but that's OK. It's not as heavy as the number one pic on
our list, and its arrangements of the songs don't veer too off the
beaten path, so it's a nice album that metal fans and the
grandparents can listen to together. When Twisted Sister toured to
promote this album, they'd play an original song in between Christmas
carols. I think that sums up the album: keeping the band's signature
sound, but applying it to familiar holiday hits.
Your
enjoyment of this album depends on your attitude towards the hair
metal scene. If you don't enjoy that kind of music, then you probably
won't like lyrics about hairspray and mascara. Personally, I think
this is a great companion album with my number one pic, and so is
Number Four on this list...
4-Merry Axemas: A Guitar Christmas
This
wonderfully unique album is a collection of instrumental pieces from
some of the greatest guitarists of our time. It opens with a pretty
basic rock rendition of “Rudolph” from Kenny Wayne Shepard, but
each track from that point has its own unique sound. Eric Johnson
gives an atmospheric rendition of “The First Noel” that is
peppered with possible New Wave influences. Jeff Beck lets out a
haunting “Amazing Grace” complete with a ghostly choir in the
background. The Brian Setzer Orchestra performs “Jingle Bells.” I
figured this one would be similar to their version of the song with
lyrics, but I was pleasantly surprised that they gave it a lively,
big band swing approach.
I
won't go into detail about every song, because I don't want to ruin
the experience, but trust me when I say that there are many more
talented musicians on this thing. We have the Great Joe Satriani,
possibly my favorite guitarist, performing “Silent Night/Holy Night
Jam.” Alex Lifeson, one third of the holy trinity that is Rush,
takes on “The Little Drummer Boy.” Steve Vai, Joe Perry, Steve
Morse, and others make up the rest of the tracks. A second volume was
released that includes music from Ted Nugent, Al Di Meola, Zakk
Wylde, and others.
Both
volumes contain treasure troves of talent. It is truly amazing how
many legends became a part of this project. If you want solid music
to rock out to this holiday season, or even just something to throw
on in the background of a Christmas party, this is the perfect choice
to go with. My dad turned me onto this one, proving that there's
something in it for all ages to enjoy.
3-Trans-Siberian Orchestra's
Christmas Trilogy
It
would be criminal to not include these. Yes, this is technically a
cheat since I'm including three albums at once, but together, they
make up one complete piece. Christmas
Eve and Other Stories,
The Christmas Attic,
and The Lost Christmas
Eve are must-plays each
Christmas season.
You
may not believe it, but TSO didn't start out as the stadium-packing,
choral filled, storytelling hype train they've become. Yes, before
people were decorating their houses with lights synchronized to the
sounds of TSO, there was a hardcore metal band named Savatage that
was violating virgin ears with its sound. Their album, Hall
of the Mountain King, is
one of the greatest metal records of the 80's, if not of all time.
“Hold on,” you might be thinking. “The kings of Christmas
concerts started out as a hair band singing Satanic tunes that would
turn children into jail bait rebels?!” Something like that, yes.
It
was producer Jon Olivia that wanted to take the band in a different
direction, having been a fan of the popular Andrew Lloyd Webber
musical, The Phantom of
the Opera. Instilling a
more progressive sound, the band's later albums reflect this change.
It was their unexpected hit “Christmas Eve (Sarajavo 12/24)” from
the album Dead Winter
Dead that led to their
first release under the Trans-Siberian Orchestra name, 1996's
Christmas Eve and Other
Stories. This inside
booklet contained a tease for the next part of the Christmas trilogy
that wouldn't be released until 2002. The final Christmas album was
released in 2004. In between these albums, we were also given
Beethoven's Last Night,
a concept album that the band sometimes plays during tours in the
spring season.
I'm
going to refrain from reviewing each album individually, because that
would take up too much time. Instead, let's look at the trilogy as a
whole. Each album contains its own hand-drawn artwork, which is
mesmerizing to look at. Being concept albums, each one has its own
individual story which takes place on a magical Christmas Eve. The
story is explained in full at the beginning of the CD's booklet, and
then it is elaborated on between the written lyrics. Reading the
booklet while listening along gives the listener a definitive
experience of participating in a complete Christmas tale, and not
just hearing individual songs.
Each
song is interconnected and makes up a greater part of a whole. These
songs usually work to further the story, but sometimes they fall
flat. For example, “Wish Liszt (Toy Shop Madness),” is a rock
medley of “The Nutcracker Suite,” but it has next to no place in
the story. The main character looks into a display window at a toy
story and the toys come to life. This is never elaborated upon, it is
just an excuse to work the song into the story. These albums do that
sometimes, working in pieces that have no place to exist alongside
others, but overall, the experience is a pleasant one.
The
TSO songs that most people are familiar with are the covers of
traditional carols. You've probably heard “Wizards in Winter” or
“A Mad Russian's Christmas.” These are the song's where the band
truly shines. Just like on Beethoven's
Last Night, the band is
at their very best when performing hard rock covers of famous
orchestral music. However, there are quite a few original songs that
stand out, especially on Christmas
Eve and Other Stories.
“An Angel Came Down” and “A Star to Follow” from that album,
and “Christmas Canon” from The
Christmas Attic are some
of the greatest songs the band has produced. Consequently, there are
few duds, not many, but a few. For example, I cannot and never have
been able to stomach “Christmas Nights in Blue,” a jazz track off
the third album in the trilogy.
If
you enjoy concept albums or love the traditional music the holiday
season gives us, you must check out these albums. They are modern
classics, and I think the thousands of people that pack the live
shows of the East and West versions of TSO (yes, there are two
different touring bands) speak volumes to the group's ability to
create a well-made musical story that is great to look at when
performed live. If you enjoy the CD's, there's even a movie of The
Christmas Attic you could watch. It's as a cheap as a Hallmark
special, but its something. (The video above is from this movie.)
Trans-Siberian Orchestra has become synonymous with Christmas music,
and for good reason. Amazing that they started out giving us such
classics like “White Witch” and “Devastation.”
2-The Beatles Fan Club Christmas
records
This
one is a cheat, but I think you'll forgive me when you listen to the
subject matter. It's a cheap inclusion on this list for several
reasons, the first being that these were records given out by The
Beatles Fan Club every Christmas and not released to the general
public. The other reason is that these things have never had an
official release. The only way to listen to them is to hear bootleg
recordings. I'm fortunate enough to own a bootleg compilation of all
of them. It's unlikely we'll ever get a real release unless all four
families agree to it, and that's about as likely as happening as
getting a release of “Carnival of Light.”
These
singles issued records were put out between 1963 during the band's
early highs, and 1969, mere months before the group split. Each one
includes the Fab Four wishing their fans a Merry Christmas, giving an
update on their current projects, and mostly just joking around.
There
are even a few songs, but these are never taken seriously. We get the
band doing “Good King Wenceslas” with lyrics like “when the
snow laid round about, deep and crisp and crispy.” There's also
“Rudolph the Red-Nosed Ringo,” which has a title that says it
all. The only song included that I cannot stand is an “original”
tune called “Christmastime is Here Again.” It contains three
lyrics and drones on for a solid five minutes.
These
are lost gems that contain insight into a different era. This is the
band at their most jubilant, their most spirited. It is obvious they
are having a blast recording these things. These are the same Beatles
that put out humorous movies like A
Hard Day's Night and
Help!
These are the same four guys that hosted press conferences where
every answer they gave was almost always a wisecrack. The same group
that would perform in front of the freaking Queen of England and make
jokes at her expense, only to get away with it. These recordings
contain the fun Beatles, not the mopey ones during the recording
session of Let it Be
or the pissy ones post-break up. These fan club recordings make you
wish you had these gents over for the holidays, but fortunately,
being a listener is the next best thing.
1-We Wish You a Metal Christmas and
a Headbanging New Year
This
is it, folks. The piece de resistance. The holy grail of anything
containing the words “metal” and “Christmas” in the same
title. This is the compilation to end them all.
In
2008, a whole slew of heavy metal giants came together to bring us
some holiday cheer. Don't be fooled by the cover, this is not a
normal compilation album like Merry Axemas in which a different
artist performs each song. No, this is a full-blown collaborative
effort. Several artists, who have possibly never worked together
before, contribute to each track. You have a different vocalist, lead
guitarist, etc. on every song.
For
example, Moterhead's late great Lemmy Kilmister sings alongside ZZ
Top's Billy Gibbons and Nirvana's Dave Grohl on a cover of Chuck
Berry's “Run Rudolph Run,” one of the absolute standout tracks on
the album. That's right, there's more than just metal performers on
this thing. We've got Alice Cooper, for crying out loud, performing
with Vinny Appice (also from Moterhead) on “Santa Claws is Coming
to Town.” (No, the “w” is not a mistake.) There are so many
greats on here. Scott Ian from Anthrax, the versatile Tim “Ripper”
Owens, Geoff Tate, and Chuck Billy, whose performance of “Silent
Night” is unlike any version of that song you've ever heard before.
A
redeeming quality that this album has over A
Twisted Christmas is
that every track shines on its own. Each of the performers gives
their own spin on their respective songs. For example, the dearly
departed Ronnie James Dio gives a very Dio-centric rendition of “God
Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen.” It helps that his signature sound is
highlighted thanks to the accompaniment of Dio's bandmate from Black
Sabbath, Tony Iommi. Alice Cooper's song also sounds like one he'd
release on his own, despite its inclusion of other musicians. It
begins with a spoken word intro before building into the creepy but
silly lyrics Alice is known for.
Another
reason I absolutely adore this record is that it transforms bad songs
into listenable ones. I normally cannot stand the droning melody of
“Little Drummer Boy” or the corny, almost winking to the
audience, “funny ha-ha” nature of “Grandma Got Ran Over by a
Reindeer.” It's these talented musicians that make me want to belt
out these songs in traffic, something I'd never dream of doing with
the original recordings. “Rockin' Around the Xmas Tree” is
another overplayed song that I only fall in love with when listening
to this album.
This
collection concludes with “Happy Xmas (War is Over),” a perfect
choice to go out on. Honestly, I think this cover gives John and Yoko
a run for their money. (I feel like my dad would disown me if he
heard me say that.) It's not better than the original, but it comes
awfully close.
If
you want one Christmas album that falls under the “Rock” or
“Heavy Metal” label, this is it. I cannot overstate what a
wonderful collection this is. The planets must have aligned perfectly
for such a vast amount of artists to work together on this thing, a
group not seen since the likes of Hear
N' Aid (and the less
said about that, the better). After you hear this, you'll never want
to sing “Silent Night” the same way again.
Honorable Mentions
There were a lot of hard choices I had
to make when narrowing down this list, but I decided to stick to
full-blown albums, not singles. I also wanted to only include records
that had a near-perfect track list. Here's the list of “rejects.”
They're not perfect, but worth including on your Christmas playlist.
A Very Brutal Christmas-This was
a single release that was used to promote the Austrian Death
Machine's first album, Total Brutal. ADM, if you don't know, is a
band with lyrics based on lines from Arnold Schwarzenegger movies.
This single includes new dialogue between the band and “Ahnold,”
along with “Jingle Bells,” a cover of Judas Priest's “Hell Bent
for Leather,” and one of the best songs from the full album, “Get
to the Choppa.” It's a huge stretch putting this on here, but it's
Christmas-themed, so there.
Jackson 5: Ultimate Christmas
Collection-Containing Christmas songs and holiday greetings to
their fans, this album didn't make the list because I realized it
doesn't technically fall under the category of “Rock.” Honestly,
if it did, I'd have to include The Temptations' “Silent Night,”
and “Christmas Rappin'” by Kurtis Blow, because my list could
basically contain anything that would slightly fall into the “R&B,”
“Funk,” or “Soul” categories. Also, the only real winners on
this Jackson 5 collection are “Up on the Housetop” and “Someday
at Christmas.”
“No Presents for Christmas”-One
of King Diamond's most famous hits, but again, it was just a single
release. I had to mention it, though. This is one killer carol.
“Another Rock and Roll
Christmas”-Originally performed by Gary Glitter (before his
jail time), this is a nice, upbeat tune that deserves at least one
listen each year. The original had a 50's rock sound to it, but the
Iron Maiden cover is heavier, and possibly superior. It doesn't
overstay its welcome.
Fans might be disappointed that
Maiden's Bruce Dickinson is not the vocalist on this one, but instead
Paul Di'Anno, the original singer for the band. Honestly, I like Paul
almost as much as Bruce, and his deep vocals, veering very close to
punk rock but not quite, give the song a very different feeling than
Bruce's would. It could be worse. At least we didn't get Blaze
Baylay, who one reviewer described as a man who “sounds like he has
a jar of peanut butter in his mouth.”
The Brian Setzer Orchestra's
Christmas albums-This band was included on Merry Axemas,
and you've probably heard their music in Jingle All the Way
and Elf. I'm not a fan of their normal music, but I do like
the Christmas covers I've heard. At the moment, they have three
Christmas albums. Since I haven't listened to them in their entirety,
I abstained from including them on this list.
“Christmas with the Devil”-This
is single track from the fictional band, Spinal Tap. The song can be
found on the This is Spinal Tap soundtrack. It features great
lyrics like “There's someone up the chimney hole, and Satan is his
name.” An alternate version contains an intro where the band
stumbles through the verses of “We Three Kings.”
Jimi
Hendrix: Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year-A Hendrix
Christmas album? “That sounds awesome,” you're probably saying,
“I love what he did to The Star Spangled Banner, so I'm sure this
is good, too.” You'd be very wrong. I'm going to be frank: this is
a piece of crap. It was nothing more than a quick cash grab from the
Hendrix family. It includes only 3 songs: “Little Drummer
Boy/Silent Night/Auld Lang Syne,” “The Three Bears,” and an
extended version of the first song (A BONUS TRACK!!!!). I felt like I
had to include this, because it's such a weird curiosity. Plus, the
cover features Jimi dressed as Santa, so that alone should be worth
the price.
Bob Dylan: Christmas in the
Heart-There is no denying that Bob Dylan's influence changed the
face of rock music, and he created some of the greatest songs of all
time. However, there comes a point when even the most devoted Dylan
followers will tell you that there comes a time when one can only
take so much of his raspy vocals. (I swear he sounded like a
different person before that biking accident.) Fortunally, that time
did not come when I first heard this.
I
admit, I was ready to hate this one. I thought my ears would bleed
from listening, but I was surprised how much I enjoyed it. On some of
the slower songs, Bob comes across as an old uncle belting out folk
songs with a banjo. I can say that after hearing Bob warble his way
through “Must Be Santa,” I will never hear this song the same way
again. He plays with a freaking polka band which finally made me
realize that the song is nothing more than a rip-off of
“Schnitzelbank.”
If you can stomach Bob's “voice like sand and glue,” this is one
to put on your wish list.
So there you have it! Hopefully, you'll
take some of my ideas to heart and make them part of your annual
yuletide traditions. If not...I don't care, I guess. Thanks for
reading, and having a Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and a Rockin'
New Year!
Ah, what the heck. Let's go out on with
a bang. Everybody polka!!
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