Hey, kids! Do you want to watch the
same old Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade that airs every year?
Wouldn't you rather watch a local parade filled with high school
dancers, D-list celebrities, and balloons that don't work? You
would?! Great! Here's the annual Channel 6/Lifetime Thanksgiving
Parade!
This is a show I found on tape when
cleaning out the old vault. I know it aired on Lifetime and
Philadelphia's Channel 6 in 1989. It looks like bits and pieces of
the parade are missing, but I seem to have most of it.
So, without further ado, let's go to
the heart of Philly to exterior of the famous courthouse from Rocky
where the parade will take place...
The parade opens with a trolley car
carrying a barbershop quartet. Instead of letting us hear their
performance, we instead are treated to a piano instrumental of “Maple
Leaf Rag,” specifically the exact version that one could hear on
the official music album of Walt Disney World at the time. Then we
see...OH, GOD! LOOK AWAY!
We are treated to the slights and
splendor of these gigantic abominations. These are big headed
versions of the cast of Growing Pains as well as one of
Rosanne Barr, because the normal Rosanne wasn't already scary enough.
Looks like we're already headed from
one car wreck to another. After cutting away from the living
breathing version of Goldeneye's big head mode, we're given the “ABC
Saturday Morning” float, featuring a costumed version of
Scooby-Doo. In case you're scratching your head, this is how Scooby
looked in the A Pup Named Scoooby-Doo” series where the gang
was kids (no doubt a cash-in on the success of Muppet Babies when it
was released). Scooby performs a tap dance routine to a bastardized
cover of Duke Ellington's “Steppin' Out with my Baby” with his
dance partner, “the emcee.” No, they do not give her a name.
She's not important enough. When the number is over, the local
commentators refer to the dancers as “Scooby-Doo and friend.”
This poor girl was given her five minutes of fame, but we'll never
know her true identity. Feast your eyes:
It's almost as if the locals were
given an official Scooby costume. Free to do whatever they wanted
with it, they decided to make a generic float and have Scooby dance
to a song they could easily get the rights to. I would have rather
have seen their attempts to dress up a busted old hippy van as the
Mystery Machine.
After a local marching band passes by,
the special gives us what is one of the highlights of the parade, at
least for me, anyway. It seems Walt Disney World has brought over a
Cinderella float from one of their parades, and the characters on
board perform along to a recorded soundtrack. By that, I mean that
the float stops in place so the characters can wave to the crowd as
“Bibbidi Bobbidi Boo” blares over some speakers. We're only a few
minutes in, and this is already the parade's climax. Not a good sign.
You know, I'm really glad that Disney
has since made the Fairy Godmother into a face character. That mask
is just freaky! It gives me a weird Kabuki vibe for some reason.
The Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade
gives us performances every year from the hottest shows on Broadway
and big name celebrities who lip sync on a themed float. This parade
can't afford such a luxury. Rather than have the local marching bands
take all the name recognition, Channel 6 instead showcases a gospel
choir from a local Baptist church.
I admit, I was skeptic, but these guys
are pretty good! It was very upbeat and lively. It reminded me of
“Joyfest,” a local gospel music festival I used to go to. It does
kind of bring the parade to a stop, but then again, it's actually
mildly more interesting than the parade itself. Speaking of...
We've got themed floats and wild
performances! A safari-themed float carries the stars of ABC's “One
Life to Live” while a Mardi Gras float carries 1/3 of a dixieland
jazz band. Coming into view is the Lampeter-Strausberg High School
band from Strausberg, PA. As our announcers point out, this was the
famous filming location of the Harrison Ford movie, Witness. A
group of men riding old fashioned high-wheeled bicycles roll by.
Apparently, these are “The Wheelmen,” and I take it that this is
their profession, riding antique bikes for show. In my hometown, we
have a group of old guys who park their 1920's Model T's and 1950's
Cadillac's at every major local event. I take it these guys are a
similar deal.
And then, there's...this. Ugh. I'm
honestly not sure how to describe this.
OK, so several raggedy,
homemade-looking costumes of toy soldiers and elves walk by. Our
announcers tell us that these are students from a local high school
that specializes in the arts, and that this is one of their projects,
to march in a parade. They then proceed to do a bizarre dance that
was choreographed by the lady who also choreographed another of the
parade's routines: Sesame Street's Bert dancing to his
favorite dance, “The Pigeon.” Too bad I'm missing that from the
tape. Watch the Elf and Soldier Quadrille below:
Wasn't that...enlightening? At any
rate, the parade seems to have hit a snag. Popeye's gal, Olive Oyl,
is represented here in the form of a giant balloon, and err, well,
she seems to have pulled a page from Sonic the Hedgehog's book,
because this character balloon cannot stay up. It bends and falls
over as many volunteers struggle to keep it steady. The parade in a
nutshell, can be seen below:
Olive Oyl isn't the only famous
character to have a spot here, no sir! Woody Woodpecker takes his
place in the front of an old jalopy. The announcers also drop Felix
the Cat's name, but it looks like his balloon wasn't filmed.
Thankfully, Woody and Popeye's cartoons were still played with
heavy rotation on cable at this point in time, so some kids were able
to recognize these cartoon stars. You think kids today would have any
idea who these characters are? Speaking of which, I don't even
know who some of these characters are! For example, what is this
thing?
I've been pretty harsh on the parade
so far, but skipping ahead to the big finale, I have to admit, they
really outdid themselves. As far as a local presentation goes, this
is pretty impressive, and the style is completely their own. You
would not see what is about to happen on Macy's.
A local middle school choir, the toy
soldiers from earlier, a team of Christmas-themed color guards and
cheerleaders/Rockettes, and a giant turkey for some reason all perform a
rendition of “It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas.” Then,
Santa arrives in his sleigh. This float is actually pretty
professional-looking. The cheerleaders start doing their thing to an
electric guitar solo as Santa runs up the courthouse steps just like
Rocky Balboa.
 |
| Gonna fly now....Flying high now! |
Finally, this entire finale culminates
with an awkward rendition of “Have Yourself a Merry Little
Christmas" as a female vocalist snuggles up to an obviously
uncomfortable Santa. They might as well be singing “Santa Baby,”
given that one can cut the sexual tension between these two with a
knife. As the choir and chorus girls join in, the show is brought to
a close.
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| Santa's getting his milk and cookies tonight! |
If that was pretty underwhelming for
you, don't worry! The best part of rediscovering any old show on VHS
is the commercials! The commercials here aren't amazing, but there
are a few pretty interesting ones. We've got a Fruit of the Loom ad
with a guy standing next to the window in his briefs, an ad for All
Dogs Go to Heaven, and a classic Vlasic Pickles spot with the
stork singing about crunchy dills. Here they are for your enjoyment:
So, that was the parade! Was it good?
Well, that's a matter of taste. I'm sure the locals and the people at
Lifetime were proud of it, but it lacks a certain something. I
suppose it's kind of charming in the way a middle school play is
charming, but one that has constant mistakes in the performance.
Today's article was brought to you by
this box of old VHS tapes. We have a lot of these to go through, so
stay tuned for the next installment of VHS Vault where I'll bring you
another lost relic of TV's past.
