Cartoon Conspiracies: Lugia's Song

Welcome to Cartoon Conspiracies where I attempt to unearth some questions and secrets about animation history that have not necessarily been brought to the surface.

If you're about my age, you were probably around when the early Pokemon films hit America, and you most likely remember what a big deal that was. Although it was released in Japan a year before, Pokemon the Movie 2000 (or The Power of One) hit our shores just in time to coincide with the Orange Islands saga on the anime and the release of Pokemon Gold and Silver. The critics hated it, but kids still ate it up.

In the movie, there's a track called “Lugia's Song,” which is played throughout the film and ties into the central story. Like many other elements, this song went through a complete re-write when it was adapted for the Americans. Here is the original version that played in the Japanese release:

The version we got sounded a bit different. The instrumental was adapted to the fit lyrics for a song on the film's soundtrack that was performed by Donna Summer. Most infamously, the lyrics to that track were even quoted by republican presidential candidate Herman Cain in his farewell speech....in 2012!!! Over a decade after the film's release! Listen to the US release below:

There's a little-known fact about this piece that has rarely been brought up: it sounds exactly like that of the main theme from a different soundtrack! I'm not joking. The theme you just listened to is a lie.

In case you've never heard of it, there was a little horror film in 1981 called The Burning. I highly recommend watching it. It takes the summer camp trope made famous by Friday the 13^th and treats it seriously. As a viewer, you don't want these characters (including one played by a young Jason Alexander) to die. Plus, the killer is named Cropsy, straight out of the urban legends of New York and New Jersey.

Anyway, I'm getting ahead of myself. One of the best aspects of The Burning is its soundtrack, performed by one of my favorite artists, Rick Wakeman, the keyboardist for Yes. Here's his main score for the film:

Did you hear it? The similarities are staggering. There is no doubt that this is the same piece of music that played two decades after the release of The Burning. (If you really want to go further down the rabbit hole, at the 9:29 mark in the video, several chords resemble a later song by Wakeman called “The Hangman” which was part of Wakeman's score to Lon Chaney's Phantom of the Opera.)

So what happened here? There's several possibilities. First, when 4Kids dubbed the Pokemon film, they changed the musical selection entirely. My guess is that replacing the soundtrack entirely made the dubbing process easier. It's possible that someone was commissioned to write new music but not sound too much like the original Japanese track, so some slight tweaks gave way to this new version of “Lugia's Song.”If this is the case, then all of this could be a complete coincidence. This Americanized track does sound kind of like the one on the Japanese soundtrack if you suspend your disbelief enough.

But what if that's not what happened? What if the composer was a fan of movie scores, and when drawing from inspiration, their senses were overwhelmed by the bombastic brass tones of Wakeman's keyboards? What if they knew that the main theme from an obscure 80's horror film, which never had an official home video release at that point, would be ripe for ripping off, and no viewer, especially no viewer of a children's anime movie, would be the wiser? It's a long shot to make this claim, but it's worth thinking about.

To date, I have only seen this conspiracy addressed once by the two guys in this video. With its inclusion of a narration paying tribute to the original trailer of The Burning, this one is worth a quick watch:

Sadly, I still have no answers to this mystery. How did two scores from two very different movies end up sounding alike? If you know the answer, please tell me in the comments below, and join me here next time to discuss another conspiracy in the history of animation.

The top photo is of my copy of the movie. I stole the other one from Google Images. Sorry.

Toys R Us Memories Part II: Did I Really Grow Up?

In Part I of this article, I gave a few random memories from growing up at “The World's Biggest Toy Store,” Toys R Us. The last article focused on going to the store in elementary school. This time, I'll rattle off some memories from my teens and twenties. But first, we need to address the giant giraffe in the room. Geoffrey, to be exact.

The Reincarnations of Geoffrey

No trip to Toys R Us was complete without at least a glimpse of its mascot. The giraffe was a welcoming symbol to a world of shelves full of Kenner Star Wars toys that stretched to the ceiling, Lego models behind glass that were waiting to be gazed at, and video games that you couldn't hold until you gave the man behind the counter your slip sheet. Geoffrey was the welcoming wagon to everything else, and therefore, I think its necessary that in this look back on memory lane, I dedicate a section to the old boy.

Charles Lazarus with a Giraffe family delivery truck.

Geoffrey's a peculiar being, that's for sure. Initially known as Dr. G. Raffe, he was created as a mascot for Children's Bargain Town in the 1965, the precursor store to Toys R Us. The store was founded in 1957 by Charles Lazarus (who died just days after the company's final bow). In an ad for the store, the Giraffe had a speech bubble saying “Toys R Us.” This phrase must have caught on, because Lazarus's next store chain would take its name from it. “The Children's Bargain Town” became the store's subtitle for many years.

I'd listen to your friend there, buddy.

In 1975, we were introduced to Geoffrey's family members, his wife Gee Gee and their daughter, Baby Gee. Later, they'd welcome Geoffrey Junior to their clan. Years before the iconic “I Don't Want to Grow Up” jingle, the Giraffe family would sing “The world's greatest toy store is Toys R Us. The biggest selection: Toys R Us.”

In the 80's, these characters would “evolve.” I'm not sure who decided that the kids should grow up, but I can definitely say that these makeovers didn't last long.

No one puts Baby in a corner.

Notice how the bodies are exactly the same? 

Throughout the 80's and 90's, this version of Geoffrey became the one I still associate him with (despite the fact that I have a nice little collection of modern Geoffrey memorabilia). His face was seen on the outside of the store, replacing his 70's counterpart. He and his family could be found throughout the store, such as on the “Men” and “Women” signs for the restrooms (as well as the changing area in Kids R Us).

His look had a minor tweak in 1999 to make him appear more youthful, but I honestly didn't really notice this as a kid. Its so similar to the previous style that I just assumed they were one and the same. As the new millennium approached, however, Geoffrey's biggest change was yet to come.

"Catch ya on the flip side, dudemeisters! Not!"

Geoffrey in the Big Apple

In 2002, this ad introduced the world to a new Geoffrey, now live action and voiced by Jim Hanks, and a brand new Toys R Us. The world's largest toy store was getting its biggest location yet, and it was coming to Times Square. This new Geoffrey gave me mixed feelings. The commercials were cute, but I didn't care for the whistling of the jingle, preferring the original lyrics. I also missed the “real” Geoffrey I grew up with, but hey, he was back on TV in some form, and Toys R Us was getting a bigger media presence than it had in the past. That was something to be excited about.

The new flagship store did not disappoint. I was able to see it in person a couple years after it opened. Signs for it were everywhere upon arriving in the city. It even made an appearance in a Rockettes show I attended. Once I finally went inside, I was greeted with an amazing sight:

This friggin GIGANTIC ferris wheel was only one of the many surprises this location had in store. There was a large animatronic T-Rex from Jurassic Park, a life size Barbie dream house, superheros flying all over the ceiling, and a large assortment of Lego models. From what I've been told, there was also an animatronic of this new Geoffrey who would talk to guests. What's interesting is that the 1999 version of ol' Geoff could be found on the ET vehicle on the ferris wheel, giving a weird mixture of the old and the new to the place.

When I was there, a large section of the store was called “Animal Alley.” This area was a staple of most locations, but in this one, it was much larger. There were plush toys lining every nook and cranny. I'll never forget my younger brother, who came to the store with the sole purpose of spending money in Animal Alley, had his sights on a large stuffed dog that was almost his own size. Despite my parents trying to garner his interest in other plushies, he had his mind made up, and started walking around the store with this thing. Later on, we were leaving Macy's via their revolving door, and sure enough, some grumpy lady pushed past my brother, causing his poor dog to get stuck in the door for a minute. The toy wasn't damaged, but it gave us a quick wake up call that we were still in New York, and despite how flashy the stores are, the people there never change.

That was my only trip to the New York location. My family returned there another time and gave me a little Geoffrey doll in a New York shirt. The location was sadly closed for good in 2015, with the company citing that the store's purpose was more of a publicity advertisement than a practical business. It did return briefly to Times Square as a pop-up store in 2017.

Supes and Spidey working together instead of competing for box office revenue.

Losing that location really gives one the feeling that Times Square is missing something. Its closure was twice as depressing given that FAO Schwarz, Time Square's other big toy store which is also owned by Toys R Us's parent company, closed down the same year. Its location had moved previously, but it still clung to the large piano from Big which you could play given you were brave enough to wait in line with a bunch of screaming children. Losing both stores meant that the area was devoid major children's destinations. Sure, The Disney Store still has Marvel and Star Wars toys to purchase, but what if I want to buy Batman and Wonder Woman toys? What about the DC kids, gosh darn it?! There's a void there that no clothing or jewelry store can fill.

High school Aaron tries his best to play “Heart and Soul” before remembering he never took piano lessons

Working for Toys R Us

After a year of working for a mouse at a theme park, I spent a few months working for a different animal in a place just as commercial. As a kid, it never occurred to me that I might actually work at the greatest toy store, but that's exactly what happened. For several months throughout the holiday season, I worked as a cashier, a stock person for the layaway gifts, and as a cast member on the sales floor. Eventually, I ended up as the sole cashier in the R Zone, selling video games and electronics to customers. Let me explain why, at that point in my life, this was one of the most fun jobs I ever had.

These were defunct by the time I started. Too bad.

Working the holiday season at the world's busiest toy outlet was a challenge, but a mostly enjoyable one. Aside from a few difficult customers, most people were in good spirits, and I could tell that just by helping them, I was making a difference. One of my favorite things to do was to recommend game titles to clueless parents, but only if they asked me to. I'd tell them to put down the Hello Kitty and Despicable Me games, and to pick up the new Mario title or a collection of Sonic games from the Genesis days. I had an idea of what modern kids would like, because I remember being a kid and getting stuck with crappy licensed games. You all know the struggle.

This Christmas, get the gift that every child wants on their list.

By far the most popular items in the R Zone were the Skylanders toys. It was still a relatively new franchise, but we were already fending off crazy fans. If it wasn't parents, it was hardcore middle aged collectors. They'd show up the day our shipment of new toys came-one or two medium sized boxes-and proceed to grab every valuable figure we had. This meant that the rest of week, I knew I'd be facing other customers asking for said figures and wanting an explanation for their whereabouts. Having little experience playing the game, I quickly learned that I needed to research the characters and their popularity in my own time if I wished to survive this oncoming trend.

Your kid wants a Cynder figurine? Too bad! Santa sold the last one to some 39 year old in a ponytail who's about to sell it online.

Now, I've seen a lot of comments online, when TRU announced their closure, that the company left modern tech by the wayside, and that they refused to sell the latest devices. I can assure you, this was far from the case. Yes, we didn't have quite the stock that Best Buy had, and we mostly carried gimmicky accessories, but darn it, we sold some iPads, yo! Something that was just baffling to me was when parents would buy iPad or smartphone devices for their young kids. You thought parents were clueless when buying video games and figures of Spyro and Pop Fizz? I learned that they also hadn't caught onto cellular technology, either.

The iPotty! Why not kill two birds with one stone, and train them to do two everyday tasks at once? No, we did not sell this, but we might as well have.

One of my favorite examples of this ineptitude was when a couple explained that they wanted to buy their young son, about five years old, an iPad. I have seen studies showing that younger kids should not have constant exposure to such technology, because it will rewire their brain and make them more hyperactive. How was I supposed to explain this, though? I was just a cashier. So, this couple then tells me that they wanted to get an iPad for their younger daughter. “Our daughter is two. What age would be appropriate to give her one? Three?” I almost did a spit take, imagining the thought of a stroller-bound baby playing Angry Birds. I tried to compromise with them by saying I've heard that seven was a good age, but then of course, I had to backtrack because we had products to sell. “You're the parents, so it's up to you,” was always the proper answer.

A couple parents showed me these two phone accessories, toy guns that could hold a smartphone and run a shooter app. Toys R Us had stocked entire R Zone isles full of this kind of nonsense, from Fruit Ninja and Cut the Rope figures to weird robotic pets, to physical Angry Birds sets for those that didn't want to play the mobile game, Geoffrey had confidence that if the devices themselves didn't sell, the plastic add-on's would. I sold the couple the bright orange guns as well as a bunch of other additional peripherals for the phones, in addition to the $199 phones themselves that were needed to run all this pointless crap. For those who say Toy R Us never jumped on the modern technology bandwagon, they were very mistaken.

We actually sold these. I still cringe at the thought.

These are fun memories. I'm not trying to sound negative with these stories, because I actually found the events somewhat amusing at the time. No, Toys R Us did make me feel special around Christmas and Thanksgiving time. Playing “Secret Santa” by hiding a child's present they had picked out, only for the parents to come back later and pick it up, was enough to make a Grinch's heart melt. Also, any Black Friday sale I've worked since Toys R Us has been a mere cakewalk. Sometimes you have to do the impossible to appreciate difficult work.

And Then There Were None

As you can see, this store has played a big part in my life from childhood to adulthood. I hope you've enjoyed this trip down memory lane with me, and maybe I've made clear why the closing of this beloved brand meant so much to myself and to many others. Toys R Us was always there, through elementary school Lego contests to working the Black Friday crowds. Its exit opens another door in our lives, one with next to no physical toy market. A new chapter where if mom and pop didn't buy little Johnny those Wreck-It Ralph hands in person, they most certainly will online. As we continue to become one with new technology, a new generation will now experience all their retail and grocery needs met in cyberspace instead of a physical space. The rest of us will still have the memories.

Next Time: Something different! Let's stop talking about toy dragons and giant giraffes for a while. (I swear, if I have to type "giraffe" one more time, I'm going to lose it, but it's my own fault.) When Toys R Us closed, I traveled to several locations and took lots of pictures, including one very special location that you might be interested in. In the near future, I may post some of these photos, but for now, I'll come back next time with a new topic. See you then! Here's some old nostalgia to hold you over: 

Note that most of the pictures are ripped from Advertising Week and eBay. Some were taken by me, and one was take of me.

UPDATE: I wrote this Part II retrospective in small doses over the course of two months. It took me three hours to complete it the last night I worked on it, clocking the total time in at 4-6 hours! That is crazy. I've never wasted that much time on a blog article since I worked for a theme park blog a few years ago. Part of the reason it took me so long is because of Blogger's clunky interface. I've been using this site since 2011, and it used to be much more user friendly. Anyway, just wanted to throw that out. It's a new record! Let's see if I can top it in the future.

Uncovered Album Reviews: The Bob Barker Blastocore Band discography

Uncovered Albums is where I take a look at a musical work that might not exactly be “underground,” but definitely not popular in the public consciousness. In other words, this is a look at albums that I feel need to garner more attention.

Bobcore, the first release in a new style of music

On Tuesday, the second of June, in 2009, history was made. A little album called Bobcore found its way on the internet. The download was free. The reaction was met with groans to a mild bewilderment to outright mental breakdowns. Nothing has been the same since.

Bob Barker Blastocore Band started out as a small experiment between two brothers, Andrew and Evan Arnold, and their first album, Bobcore, feels very much like how it was made: an experiment. The idea behind Bobcore was to take the loud, often ear-shattering, sound of “brass beats” and combine it with that of punk and grunge. Throw in some piano and other additional instruments, and we have a multi-genre-spanning album, not unlike that of the work from Frank Zappa and the Mothers of Invention or The Gorillaz.

The band's original line-up of two. 

The album starts out with a literal bang. A pattern of brief dialogue, then a quick tap on the drumsticks, concluding with an explosive drum and vocal ensemble became the traditional standard to start every album (and almost ever track, but we'll get to that in a minute). Bobcore immediately sucks us in with four of its best tracks: “First,” “Italy vs Sweden,” “Blastoise,” and “Constipation,” the latter of which is one of my favorite songs on the album, and one of my favorite songs produced by the band. The songs are quick and fast with a sudden transition to the next track. Its as if the creators were saying, “We're not messing around here. This is what we're playing. You'll have to either accept it or listen to some Kenny G.” I do not find this attitude pretentious in the slightest.

It's interesting looking at some of the creative choices on Bobcore. The track, “Black Key Flowers,” features a piano accompaniment that wouldn't be out of place on a light jazz album. “Do the Bob Barker” includes guest vocals by Allison Arnold, the creators' sister who just happened to be in the studio at the time of the recording session (and their parents were featured on later songs such as Spayed and Neutered's “Laundry Time”). “Yorg“ shows that the main vocalist could easily front a death metal band, and “Trossingen” features a Bob Dylan-style mouth harp, thus reminding the listener of the band's eclectic range. “The End” is a three-parter that suggests the musicians were not sure when to stop recording, a rare look into the behind the scenes of the recording process.

Fans had to initially wait an entire year for the band's follow-up album. On July 6 of 2010, it felt like Christmas to receive a new Blastocore album, hence the appropriately titled Christmas in July. While nothing too different, this album felt like a natural extension of the first one. It introduces a few new musical concepts into the previously established formula while maintaining the spirit of Bobcore.

Let's talk about that formula for a second, shall we? There are some critics who would write this album off as “more of the same.” Actually, a lot of listeners might say that statement rings true for every song in the band's discography, but they wouldn't be looking hard enough if suggesting such a blanket statement. Yes, Christmas in July has a lot of the same screaming vocals and drum beats that you'd expect it to have, but it does offer some new surprises.

Christmas in July lived up to its title.

And what surprises there are! For example, “This Song Brought to You by the Letter 'G'” is probably the only publicly released work of music to give us a musician dictating the notes he's playing to his audience! When has a band ever entertained such an original idea as that, I ask you? “Bob Barker's Lonely Blastocore Band” is a avaunt-garde cover of the title track from The Beatles' Sgt. Pepper album. The vocals are overshadowed by the cymbals on this one, but I assume this was a deliberate choice on the part of the creators. “The Crazy Favowave” is quite possibly the most experimental song the band ever concocted, as its running time of four minutes and forty-five seconds is way longer than the average Blastocore song. Finally, “Intro” features my favorite exchange of dialogue on the album, words that I quote all too frequently. (“Aww, crap! They're back!” “NO!”) In all, Christmas in July is a full picture of a band improving and trying to find itself, not unlike-to use another Beatles comparison-Revolver.

Spayed and Neutered might be the band's swan song.

Fans of the experimental movement that was Blastocore had to wait three agonizing years before Spayed and Neutered hit the web. (Most local servers in my area crashed upon its impact.) The band's official Facebook announcement before the album hit asked its viewers to “prepare your anuses.” This statement could not be more truthful as there is not doubt in this reviewer's mind that the resulting album is the band's high water mark.

If Christmas in July was the equivalent to Revolver, then Spayed and Neutered is Abbey Road. The third release in the band's catalogue is their most daring and risky venture to date, throwing new instruments into the mix at great force. As before, woodblock, chimes, and harmonica parts are on full display here, but with more prominence, as well as the addition of Mellophone and Vuvuzela. The most notable change is the addition of a guest musician. The band's younger brother, Graham, brings additional vocals to the mix as well as his Mellophone and Vuvuzela skills. His presence on the album is introduced on the track “A Whole New No,” signifying the different direction that Graham was forbidden in taking the band in.

Among the many highlights on Spayed and Neutered are “Everyone Likes Cookies” and “Cheddar Dreams,” featuring recipes that double as lyrics. The simple, quaint tones of “Never Go to Arby's” are a sharp contrast to the fast paced horns and drums on “Eat at Arby's Every Day.” “Elephant Birthing” ties with Bobcore's “Constipation” as my favorite song in the band's discography. Whereas “Constipation” was the band at their most basic roots, “Elephant Birthing” adds sharply timed horns to an already perfected sound. Spayed and Neutered includes the follow-up songs “Trossingen 2” and “Tasty (reprise).” “Bang!” literally ends the album with said bang, just as Bobcore began with one.

In all, Spayed and Neutered is the work of band who has improved their talents and methods while still retaining their traditional sound. Although I'm a big fan of the simple beginning that is Bobcore, the third album is truly a milestone. One that begs for repeat listening.

So, when shall we see a fourth album, you may ask? Well, the answer to that is one that band's members don't even know. Everyone involved in the project is either married or in a long term relationship, and is additionally involved in their respective careers. Evan lives on the opposite side of the country from the others, and Andrew has taken up various musical side projects. The brothers Arnold have expressed wanting to get together to put out a fresh new assortment of songs, but Blastocore fans may have to wait another decade before this happens, if that. It doesn't help that the estate of Bob Barker, the former host of The Price is Right, has not yet caught wind of the band, but I imagine they wouldn't be too keen with the use of Bob's image. All these factors have prevented a fourth collaboration, but if it ever does happen, I'm hoping they choose to use “Come on Down” as the album's title.

So now you know all about an intensely hardcore band that you've never violated your precious virgin ears with. If you like their sound (and you almost surely will), go ahead and recommend them to friends. Maybe even start a crowdfunding movement for new material. I usually do not spend this much time writing these reviews, but I felt this band deserved a special exception. Stay tuned for more uncovered gems in the future. In the meantime, here's the band's Facebook and website where you can download their discography for free:

Facebook link

Andrew Arnold'sofficial website

Toys R Us Memories Part I: I Didn't Wanna Grow Up

Everyone else is writing these retrospectives, so far be it from me to not jump on the bandwagon. I had a similar article planned for the future, but why not strike while the iron's hot? This is my look back at “the world's biggest toy store.”

As you probably know, Toys R Us announced their closure of all US stores on March 15, and their founder, Charles Lazarus, sadly passed days after the announcement. Most people blame Amazon and the rise of online shopping, but Toys R Us had many problems that led to this. They were a power keg that was doomed to blow.

I remember the trouble started in the late 90's. The company began switching hands. Our Scholastic Weekly Readers in school (remember those?) reported that more customers were beginning to go to other big box stores like Wal-Mart, because why go shopping for toys when you can go shopping for toys, groceries, and clothes at the same time? Toys R Us tried to compensate for this by adding a small grocery section in some of their stores to draw in families. Eventually, in 2003, they sold off their Kids R Us stores (more on those in a minute) realizing they didn't exactly have the kids clothing market cornered. They eventually devoted a large part of their toy stores to their profitable Babies R Us line. This was a good move business-wise, but kids like me were not happy that there was suddenly less toy space available. Eventually, the buyout debts from different investors became too much for the company to pay off.

Let's go back in time for a minute and look at some happier times. Toys R Us may seem mostly obsolete in today's age of online shopping, but they were a GIANT throughout over half of the 20^th century. A giant that seemed like it would never fall. When I was a kid, there were several places you could go for toys (all of which may eventually be discussed in more depth with future articles): Kay Bee Toys and The Disney Store at the mall, Media Play's large kids section, and the king of all toy stores, Toys R Us. It was a rare treat to go there, because, despite originally being promoted as “the children's bargain town,” my parents found the place way too expensive.

My Local Toys R Us

This isn't my exact store, but this is what it looked like.

In our store's early days, when I was very young, the roof somewhat resembled a castle tower with Geoffrey Giraffe's face perched up top. The colorful wooden tiles at the sides resembled a xylophone in my two year old mind, so I was always disappointed that they didn't sound like the instrument when I'd knock my fist against them.

Again, not my store, but it looked fairly similar.

The store eventually changed a bit in the early 90's, foregoing its rainbow décor for white tiles. Red blue and green stripes made their way around the building.

It is nearly impossible to find decent Kids R Us photos. Here's one past its prime.

Our Kids R Us location was on the other side of the building. It also had stripes of the same colors but with a lighter tone, and whereas the front windows of Toys R Us were rectangular, the ones for Kids R Us were shaped like a large oval.

Kids R Us

Let's talk about Kids R Us for a second. For those not in the know, this was a store like Gymboree that sold clothing for small children. The inside was like a living Lisa Frank painting. It was small, but super colorful. Rainbow tiles dotted the floor, and the walls were pure solid colors (which can partially be seen in the video below). Even the clothing was bright reds and blues to the point where I'm not sure the designers knew what was trendy and cool with the elementary school students. See, this was Kids R Us's downfall, they didn't know their market. Some kids shopped at The Gap or Kohl's or wherever their parents bought them clothing at a young age, but no one at school was talking about how cool it was to shop at Kids R Us. It was the Steve Urkel of children's clothing stores.

Despite this, I still have some fond memories of the place. I got a Nickelodeon T-shirt there back in third grade. It featured characters like Stimpy and Tommy Pickles along with logos from different shows such as Figure it Out and KaBlam! My mom and I would mostly go there to shop for clothes for my brother when he was baby. When the store was sold, it initially became a Petco which I would go to to visit the rabbits they had on display. It then became a pop up Halloween store before its current state as a BargainMax.

90's Memories

In third grade, my family had just moved into a new house. I played with a lot of Lego's back then, probably to deal with this major transition. It helped me come in third place at my school's Lego building contest. That year I made a Lego model, an entryway for a mini golf course (at least, that's what it was in my mind) as well as my prize, a coveted Geoffrey dollar. These were the modern equivalent to a gift card, except they were way cooler since they were essentially play money. I did some digging, and my dollar at the time would have looked like this:

When my family when back to Toys R Us to use the money, it was first time we had been there in a few years, and the place had changed drastically. Gone was the white motif of the entrance, and in its place was a brand new blue entrance with a new logo. The entry lobby was outfitted with large windows. I always felt that this entrance nailed what the store was about. It built anticipation for the kid heaven on earth you were about to enter.

To my surprise, the entrance was not the only thing different about the place: the entire indoor layout had changed. Now there were tons of new toys and brand new decorations to match. What struck me most of all were the larger than life statues of Geoffrey and his family, some of which had animation! I remember Geoffrey, Baby Gee stirring porridge in her high chair, and Geoffrey Junior (or Senior?) flying down a slide. For years I thought I'd never find any photogenic proof of this change. Maybe I was crazy. Maybe I had made it up this whole time, but no! A few days ago I found this picture:

There they are, all of the giraffes I remembered. They were positioned in different places in my store, but this proves I didn't make any of this up. I also now remember that giant Geoffrey face on the floor and those 90's “Jazz”-like isle markers. This particular photo was around the same time period I remember the design change happening. It was definitely taken in 1996, due to the fact that a display for Disney's Hunchback is in the foreground (which gives this picture major bonus points in my book). Also, I found a few pictures of our friend who has since gone into the hands of collectors:

So, what did I end up buying with that 20 dollar Monopoly money bill? Well, I almost bought a few of those handheld Tiger Electronics games (you know the ones), but I ended up going with a playset of Pixar's newest movie at the time, A Bug's Life. Now, that may seem kind of stupid in retrospect, but it was pretty neat at the time. It was of P.T. Flea, the circus owner from the movie. He's spit open, revealing a tiny circus set inside. This was similar to the Mighty Max toys. These little playsets were pretty popular. I remember Star Wars had some pretty cool ones of the Death Star and Jabba's palace.

What made the store so amazing in my young eyes was the sheer size of it all. The shelves at the time were not nearly as high as they are now. Those shelves stretched to the freaking ceiling, with boxes of inventory on very top. To a youngling, it was intimidating to stare up at those things. Even the movie section (which had become part of the Baby department when our store closed) was quite a large corner that featured dozens of titles, more than one would see at Kay Bee Toys or a similar mall shop. I remember getting an Animaniacs VHS tape there and watching the hell out of it. I eventually had the entire thing memorized, down to every note of Richard Stone's score.

This article is far too big for one entry. Next time, we'll discuss my trips to other Toys R Us locations, including that mecca of a location in Times Square. I'll also talk about my fond memories as a Toys R Us employee. You could say I never outgrew the place.

As a fun bonus, here's a video I uploaded in the early days of YouTube. When I say I grew up with these two commercials, I'm being literal. They were on a tape of holiday specials I'd re-watch every year.

The pictures of myself was taken by me. Thank Google for the others.

Cartoon Conspiracies: Mystery of the Little Nemo Music

Welcome to Cartoon Conspiracies where I attempt to unearth some questions and secrets about animation history that have not necessarily been brought to the surface.

If you're a die-hard animation buff like me, you're surely familiar with Winsor McCay, the man that many have declared to be “the father of animation.” McCay was an innovator in many ways. He was the first to combine live action with animation in a vaudeville show called Gertie the Dinosaur where McCay stood on stage and interacted with an animated brontosaurus. In Walt Disney's Sunday night television show, he presented a re-enactment of this famous sketch which you can view below:

McCay was also the first to showcase a historic event in the animated format. The Sinking of the Lusitania was a short that may have premiered a full two years after the real life disaster occurred, but for many, it was the first time they were able to witness the ship's sinking in some form. Since little to no film footage existed of the crash, McCay went to newspapers and dug up everything his could on the fate of the Lusitania, making sure that his portrayal of its demise was as accurate as possible.

McCay is also one of the first men responsible for the idea of using celluloid to draw cartoons. In McCay's earliest cartoon short, he used normal paper to create over 4,000 individual drawings (which some say he hand-colored all by himself). The result was Little Nemo, a game-changer in the face of animation:

Little Nemo, like other silent film characters at the time such as Krazy Kat and Colonel Heeza Liar, got his start in the Sunday comics. At the time, comics were allowed to have space to breathe, and thus, McCay took advantage of this and was able to create breathtaking scenery that is still jaw-dropping to this day. Collections of the Little Nemo in Slumberland (aka In the Land of Wonderful Dreams) comic strips are not easy to come by for a decent price, but they are more than worth your while.

Now, believe it or not, Winsor McCay is not the subject of our article. His creation, Little Nemo, was given a full length feature film in 1989. You've probably heard of it. If you're only familiar with this film because of a certain negative review by the Nostalgia Critic, I implore you to ignore everything he said and give it a chance. It's not perfect, but it's still a wonderful little film.

What is most interesting about Little Nemo Adventures is Slumberland is its background. The film was originally going to involve Hayao Miyazaki*, and at different points in the production cycle, Chuck Jones, George Lucas, Chris Columbus, Moebius, John Canemaker, Brian Froud, and Ray Bradbury all had a hand in it. (If you can't tell already, this was a very troubled production.) Eventually, the film became of the many collaborations between Disney and Tokyo Movie Shinsha, although not officially.

As seen in the film Waking Sleeping Beauty, while production was going on with Disney's The Black Cauldron, several of the studio's best animators left briefly to contribute to Little Nemo. Ken Anderson, Frank Thomas, Ollie Johnston, and other Disney legends were brought in to help with production. Even the Sherman Brothers wrote some new songs for the film. This is where things get interesting.

Richard and Robert Sherman are best known as the composers for Mary Poppins, The Sword in the Stone, The Jungle Book, Bednobs and Broomsticks, and other classic Disney films. It was after The Aristocats that the brothers mostly parted ways with Disney's animation department, as they felt the new management at the studio (post-Walt Disney's death) was too restricting. They went on to write songs for others films such as Paramount's Charlotte's Web and Snoopy Come Home. Little Nemo in Slumberland was a reunion of sorts for the brothers and Disney animation. Richard and Robert wrote some material for the film that was completely original....or did they?

One such song for the production was “Etiquette.” It was used in a sequence where, having chosen to the be the new playmate for the princess of Slumberland, Nemo finds himself forced to learn the rule of royalty. The lyrics are not especially creative, as far as Sherman Brothers standards go, but it is an upbeat and fun song. However, would you believe that it was originally written for a very different movie?

Waaaay back in the 60's when the soundtrack for Mary Poppins was being created, some of the original songs were cut in the process. “Chimpanzoo” was one of those songs. As seen in this clip from the Mary Poppins DVD (or Blu-Ray if you prefer), it was meant to be sung during the characters' outing with Ed Wynn's Uncle Alfred while having their tea party on the ceiling. As you can see, the song is a lot bouncier and more whimsical. The lyrics have some traditionally unique rhymes which one of the hallmarks of a Sherman Brothers song. (If we really want to get intricate, the song's tune bares a resemblance to “The Old Bamboo,” a song the brothers would go on to pen for Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.)

So what happened? What is a song intended for Mary Poppins doing in a Japanese/American animated feature from the 80's? Apparently, the Sherman Brothers dusted an old song off twenty years after the fact and used it for a box office bomb as opposed to the Disney classic it was meant for. The reason I bring any of this up is that I never have seen it addressed anywhere. Never I have turned on a Disney DVD and seen Leonard Maltin go into detail about this story. In fact, I own both The Boys: The Sherman Brothers Story documentary and “Walt's Time: From Before to Beyond,” the autobiography of the songwriters. Neither one of these mentions this conspiracy. They both detail Mary Poppins and Little Nemo, but it is not mentioned that one influenced a portion of the other. This is a small, but interesting, bit of trivia that I believe most animation nuts are not familiar with, and I hope this sheds some light on it.

Disney's connection to the work of Winsor McCay can be still be seen today. At Echo Lake in Disney's Hollywood Studios, Dinosaur Gertie's serve prehistoric ice cream while paying tribute to a legend of animation.

Join us next time as we uncover more little known conspiracies in the history of animation.

*If you want to see what the film would have looked like under his direction, click here.

By the way, the photos of my collection and of Walt Disney World were taken by me. All others were stolen from Google Images.

My Top 10 Albums I Heard This Year (2017)

Well, Christmastime is over, and its time to put away the holiday music (unless you're one of those people that listens to Christmas music all year round, and if you are, good for you). My last two articles were focused on counting down some of the best holiday music. This time, in honor of New Year's, I'm going to look back at the best albums I heard this past year.

Let me make something clear: this is NOT a list of the best albums of 2017 like one would see in Rolling Stone or TIME Magazine. No, this is a list of the best albums that I was exposed to the first time this past year. These albums could have been released in 2017, or anytime before that. I don't listen to a whole lot of contemporary music, and when I do, I'm usually late catching up to the party. So, these are the best new sounds I've exposed my eardrums to within the last 365 days (not counting the sound of my own voice, of course).

(Note that if you'd rather read a list of the best albums that were released this past year, my friend Mike makes one of those each year, and I highly value his recommendations. You can checkout this year's list here. It's especially useful if you'd rather listen to more popular artists than some of my bizarre, eccentric choices.)

10-The Monkees-Good Times! (2016)

This came out last year, but I wasn't able to listen to it until recently. The surviving members of The Monkees perform new songs that utilize the same “sound” of the original recordings while bringing something new to the table. It feels like a true comeback album. They even use some of Davy Jones's old vocals on a new recording of “Love to Love.”

Favorite Tracks: “Good Times,” “Our Own World,” “Love to Love,” “Birth of an Accidental Hipster”

9-Elvis-If I Can Dream

A remixed Elvis song with new instrumentation can make it big. JXL proved this in the 90's with their release of “A Little Less Conversation.” This new album has The Royal Philharmonic Orchestra playing over older Elvis recordings, and let me tell you, The King has not sounded this good in a very long time. It's the closest we're ever going to get to a new live Elvis album. What I like about this is that they include different styles of songs from blues to ballads to lively Vegas showstoppers.

At the tail-end of the year, they also released a new Christmas album using this format, Christmas with Elvis and The Royal Philharmonic Orchestra. Too bad I had already written out my Christmas album lists for the year before I came upon it. Oh well, there's always next year.

Favorite Tracks: “Fever,” “An American Trilogy,” “If I Can Dream,” “Burning Love”

8-Less Than Jake-Sound the Alarm

Unlike previous releases, the ska band, Less Than Jake, released this EP in response to their announcement that they would hold off on releasing full albums for the foreseeable future. This works in the EP's favor, however, because with only 7 tracks, I kept wanting more. Unlike previous albums like Anthem, the deeper themes of facing adulthood with no major accomplishments, the desire to leave home to pursue greatness, and the realization of being stuck in a boring life choice-all major aspects explored by the band-are absent from this recording. This is just straight up ska/punk with lots of high energy and few lessons to learn. It's short but sweet, and it's nice to see a band like this doing so well after all these years. Their most mainstream appeal was probably that one time they were on the soundtrack of Tony Hawk 4 or maybe when they made the theme song to Good Burger, but this EP proves that they can easily cater to a smaller, but dedicated, fan base and still profit from it.

Favorite Tracks: “Bomb Drop,” “Welcome to My Life,” “Call to Arms”

7-Guardians of the Galaxy Awesome Mix Vol 2

When the soundtrack to the first Guardians movie was released, the world shook. Disney, for the first time since 2003, was selling a cassette tape online. Many people heard songs they had never been exposed to before. Some of these under-played mainstream hits even got quite a bit of radio play. The soundtrack to the film's sequel did the same thing as before: introduced some of us to new songs (“Lake Shore Drive” was mostly a regional hit until now, for example) while making some old favorites popular again. Also, they included a George Clinton song, so that alone automatically gets a thumbs up for me.

My only minor complaint is the inclusion of Sweet's “Fox on the Run” which was already used well in other nostalgic themed films such as Dazed and Confused and Detroit Rock City. It wasn't even in the actual film, only the commercials and trailers. Disney did the same thing in the first album when they gave us a tune used to promote the first movie, “Spirit in the Sky,” a song that's always been played to death.

About a month after this collection came out, the Baby Driver soundtrack was released which included a large plethora of hits from the past. I felt Guardians was more deserving of being mentioned on this list, however. The songs in Baby Driver worked well in the movie, and the movie introduced me to some new songs that I like such as “Bellbottoms.” But most of these songs, like “Egyptian Reggae,” aren't something I'd listen to in my own time. On Guardians, ever song is a winner.

Favorite Tracks: “Lake Shore Drive,” “Brandy,” “Flash Light,” “Southern Nights”

6-David Bowie-Lazarus (2016)

Released at the end of 2016 (and not available at my local music store until the following January), this is the cast album for the show that utilizes David Bowie songs to tell us what happened to Bowie's character from The Man Who Fell to Earth after the events of the movie took place. Sadly, Bowie passed before the show opened. It is because of this that, just like Blackstar before it, it's impossible for me to separate this album from the tragic event that surrounded it.

The Lazarus cast does an amazing job with the material given to them, a wide selection of songs from throughout the entirety of Bowie's career. They even included “Absolute Beginners,” a favorite of mine which was originally written for a film that I also enjoyed, despite the fact that, anyway you look at it, it's not a very good piece of cinema. The only track I really had a gripe with on here is “The Man Who Sold the World,” which substitutes the soul of the original for a foreboding background. The signature guitar riff that we all know is also absent.

There are two things holding this album back in my mind. One is that I get depressed listening to it due to Bowie's passing. The other is that, for all the wonderful harmonic melodies on display here, these singers are not Bowie, and his original tracks will always be more enjoyable to listen to. Thankfully, the second disk to Lazarus contains brand new tracks featuring Bowie's vocals, a feature that's worth the album price alone. I cannot wait to see what new posthumous material Bowie has planned for us in the near future.

Favorite Tracks (as they appear on this album): “This is Not America,” “Absolute Beginners,” “Always Crashing in the Same Car,” “Valentine's Day”

5-The Gorillaz-Humanz

This album split Gorillaz fans down the middle with some claiming that this wasn't really a true to form Gorillaz album, but instead an album full of different artists with Damon Albern serving as a “guest vocalist.” You know what? If that's the case, I'm totally fine with that. It's been forever since Albern and Jamie Hewlett have even tried to give the perception of a cartoon band with some guest artists singing next to the fictional characters. The curtain has been peeled back, and the original “band” members are nothing more than mascots at this point. If the duo has gone back on their original idea, why stop now? The Fall was a neat experiment, and so was this. I enjoy seeing the creators continue to take risks with their music.

I'm going to state a very unpopular opinion: this was the first Gorillaz release that I enjoyed 100 percent. You heard me right. The original self-titled album had good singles, but the rest was just drivel. I liked most of Demon Days, but not all of it. I enjoyed only half of Plastic Beach. With Humanz, I was enthralled from beginning to end. Lately, upon re-listening to it, there are tracks that I tend to skip now in favor of the ones I like better, but I can't say that there's a single song I don't care for.

Like I said, opinions are split on this one, and mine is just one of the many who enjoyed it. Whether you agree with the political message behind this album or not, whether you aren't sure what to make of the creative choices behind this release, it's still worth looking into. Do you like hip-hop and electronica? Do you like singing cartoon characters in your music videos? If yes to all of those, check this one out and decide what you think for yourself.

Favorite Tracks: “Let Me Out,” “Strobe Light,” “Submission,” “Saturn Barz”

4-Okilly Dokilly-Howdilly Doodilly (2016)

One of the best novelty bands out there. I recently jumped at the chance to see these guys live. They were playing with Beatallica who I also wanted to put on this list, but I figured it wouldn't be fair to have two novelty acts on here. Beatallica (a group that combines Metallica and Beatles songs together) is awesome, though, and you should definitely check them out, along with Mac Sabbath and The Pizza Underground.

Okilly Dokilly is a band that dresses like Ned Flanders from The Simpsons, and most of their songs are based around quotes that the character has given over the show's many seasons, and there's a few things (other than the Flanders gimmick) that set them apart from other death metal bands. The first is that their lead singer, dubbed Head Ned, can go back and forth between Ned Flanders's wimpy voice to a hardcore growl within seconds. The other is that this band has a synthesizer player (Red Ned). You would not think that synth and death metal would ever go hand in hand, but these guys make it work. Oh my god, it works so well here. To give you an example of how well those two sounds blend together, let's look at a real perspective. My brother is/was a consummate collector of old school electronic music, but he's not into metal at all. When I played this album for him, he was very impressed (and if you knew my brother, you'd know that's a huge compliment, because his standards are quite high).

Not only does the synth work well, but so does everything else, and this quality is increased tenfold in the live shows. I won't spoil anything for you, but seeing these guys live is quite an experience for a hardcore Simpsons nerd. Pop open a blackberry schnapps, maybe light a little “reef-a-roonie” (if it's legal where you live), and toss away your LP of Dreamcoat in favor of this release.

Favorite Tracks: “All That is Left,” “You're a Jerk,” “They Warned Me,” “Donut Hell”

3-White Buffalo Woman-White Buffalo Woman (2015)

There's a very good chance that you've never heard of these guys. That's because they're a local band from Ohio. I've been to a few of their shows, and I was blown away every time. I first saw them the night Chuck Berry died, and they were able to learn “Johnny B Goode” in the alley behind the stage about a half hour before going on. These guys have what it takes to go far, and you should definitely keep them on your radar.

The band combines a grungy garage rock sound with classic rock and roll. Their lead singer, Evan Rutledge, gives off a personification of Jim Morrison with the voice of Mick Jagger. His fantastic stage presence always attracts the attention of females young and old. I have to give a special mention to their drummer, Joe Whales, who really gives a dedicated performance each time I've seen him (and in the last show I saw them in, he was nice enough to give me a copy of their set list). In total, there are five members (and four others who also perform on this album), and each one is the absolute best at what they do. It is very rare when I see a local band that includes solid performances by every single member. I've seen many local acts, and this is a rare thing to come by. You can buy the album on the band's website here.

Favorite tracks: “Find My Love,” “Baby Please,” “Like You Used to Do,” “She's Gone”

2-Death Angel-The Evil Divide (2016)

When I listen to an album for the first time, I typically play the entire thing twice to get a decent feel for it. When I first heard this album (after randomly finding it in my music downloads), I listened to the entire thing 9 different times! I had to force myself to stop playing it for fear that it would get old. I've listened to it several times since, and so far, it still holds up.

I think the reason I enjoyed it so much is that it has a particular sound I was looking to hear, but I just didn't know it. Death Angel is a thrash metal band, and The Evil Divide sounds absolutely nothing like anything The Big Four (Metallica, Megadeth, Slayer, and Anthrax for the un-educated) are putting out or ever did back in their prime. This is truly a new take on modern thrash. Each song has its own killer hook and thematic message, making sure that no two tracks feel completely the same.

When I initially listened to this, my first reaction for certain songs such as “Lost” was something like “OK, this is probably the designated ballad that every metal album has to have.” Fortunately, Death Angel proved me wrong. Any song that opens with slower chords builds and builds to a satisfyingly heavy conclusion, “Lost” being the best example.

I'm honestly not sure what else to say other than every track was truly satisfying to listen to. The Evil Divide is a breath of fresh air in a crowded market. Any thrasher out there needs to give this a listen.

Favorite Tracks: “Lost,” “It Can't Be This,” “Cause for Alarm,” “Breakaway”

1-Lemon Demon-Spirit Phone (2016)

Chances are, unless you're familiar with the YouTube music scene, you probably haven't heard of Lemon Demon, the one man band (in the studio, anyway) of Neil Cicierega. You may not know his name, but you definitely know his work, for he is the creator of Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny, Potter Puppet Pals, Brodyquest, and even some music for Disney's Gravity Falls. Yes, all those videos were done by the same guy.

Anyway, a few years ago he released a song called “Reaganomics,” a high energy 80's-ish pop song with lots of cheesy synthesizer. I could not get enough of this song when it was released. I hoped that one day Neil might release an entire album of songs like these. Thankfully, my prayers have been answered, and the album in question is even more glorious than I could ever imagine.

OK, before I get ahead of myself kissing this artist's feet, let's talk about the actual songs for a second. Spirit Phone, for the most part, takes a look at the supernatural through a comedically dark lense. Most of the songs are about hauntings or just general spookiness. Three of these songs are remakes of older releases, including a new version of “Reaganomics,” which just may be a bit better than the original.

The album opens with a bang: “Lifetime Achievement Award,” a song about bringing a dead celebrity back to life, and “Touch Tone Telephone” are so good that I dare you not to listen to them on repeat before finishing the album. We then segue “Cabinet Man,” which is about a man becoming fused to an arcade game, Frankenstein-style. “When He Died” focuses the mysterious activities of a deceased man. “Soft Fuzzy Man” is about a foggy cloud looking for love. Several other songs follow this fashion of macabre yet darkly humorous themes, but I'll leave those up to you to analyze.

The second half of the album focuses more on the ideals of an older generation such as the Baby Boomers. “As Your Father I Expressly Forbid It,” “Reaganomics,” “I Earn My Life,” and “Spiral of Ants” can be interpreted as anthems for a lost way of life. (Of course, Neil has denied this and insists that the latter track is actually just about an ant colony.)

If you thought we were done, you're wrong, because Spirit Phone includes a large collection of bonus tracks. After the main course is over, these serve as nice desserts. Only two are alternate takes of new songs on the album, and most are instrumentals. One wonders why Neil never did anything else with these tracks, because all of them have potential to become more complete. “You're at the Party” closes out the bonus tracks, and the album as a whole, with a haunting, yet ambiguous, message.

“Gosh, Aaron,” you're probably thinking, “You really love this album. Is there any part of it you don't like?” I'm glad you never asked! I actually don't care for “Man Made Object” and “As Your Father I Expressly Forbid It” that much. Upon re-listening to the whole package, I usually skip these. They're not bad songs by any means, but not my favorites. As far as the bonus tracks go, I could never really get into “Angry People,” which overstays its welcome. I liked “Redesign Your Logo” during the first several listens, but it also got stale pretty fast.

Overall, Spirit Phone is a wonderful journey from beginning to end, as my gushing might suggest. If you enjoy nerdy bands like They Might Be Giants or Ninja Sex Party, or especially if you're into classic 80's New Wave groups, this is one you most certainly will want to listen to. It is available for less than $10 on Neil's website.

Favorite Tracks: “Reaganomics,” “Cabinet Man,” “Touch Tone Telephone,” “When He Died”

Favorite Bonus Tracks: “You're at the Party,” “Pizza Heroes,” “Kubrick and the Beast,” “Crisis Actors”

Honorable Mention:

Neil Cicierega-Mouth Moods

Released this past year as the third in the “Mouth” trilogy of mash-up albums, this is a free release that combines famous pop songs together that, but all logic, should not go together, but they work really well. Just goes to show you that all four chord songs are the same, and also, that Smash Mouth's “All Star” can be adapted to fit any genre. It's not a full blown album, so it doesn't technically make the list, but it's more than worth your time.

Biggest Disappointments:

Metallica-Hardwired to Self Destruct

Sometime after the Napster fiasco of the early 2000's and the release of the St. Anger album (which makes to shudder to even type its name) and Some Kind of Monster documentary that complimented it, many of us finally realized that Metallica was no longer the kings of thrash metal that they used to be, but instead had become a corporate machine with little to no creative energy left, just like many rock groups before them. However, I was pleasantly surprised by Death Magnetic a few years ago. It looked like the group may have still had some creativity left after all. Those hopes were shattered with the release of Hardwired to Self Destruct, a album of the most basic, uninspired, unapologetically bland thrash riffs possible. It is thrash metal at its most basic. Nothing stands out, it is pure noise. I guess Metallica decided to stick to putting all of their time into Hot Topic shirts and pinball cabinets.

Mastodon-Emperor of Sand

I consider Mastodon to be one of my favorite modern metal bands. I was first introduced to them through Leviathan, and since then, I haven't been disappointed with any of their releases until now. Emperor of Sand comes off strong and heavy, but it does nothing to differentiate itself the way the other albums did. Albums like Crack the Skye and Blood Mountain had their own individual identities, and this one is just...an album by Mastodon. It has their signature sound, but for me personally, it brought nothing new to the table. I even bought the physical CD release, hoping to display it proudly in my case of metal CD's. I doubt I'll re-listen to it much, which is sad. I really wanted to like this one.

Iggy Pop-The Idiot (1977)

This is going to upset a lot of people, as this is considered to be a classic album. I own nearly everything David Bowie has touched (and by that I am mostly referring to the stuff that isn't too difficult to track down a physical copy of), so it was natural that I give a listen to some of the material he's produced for other artists. After putting this off for years and hearing nothing but good reviews, a friend finally made me relent and buy the two Bowie-produced Iggy Pop albums. I'm familiar with Iggy's period with The Stooges, so this came across as very different than what I expected. It does sound like a Bowie album, but much like Tonight and Never Let Me Down, it also sounds like an album full of discarded songs that he knew weren't that great. I enjoyed Lust for Life a little more, but neither album did a whole lot for me.

Iced Earth-Incorruptible

Finally, we have this. Ugh, where to start? I'm not sure.

OK, I guess I should start by saying that Iced Earth is my favorite band, with only Bowie and Iron Maiden possibly taking that top spot. Iced Earth changed how I looked at heavy music, and especially how its written. Their lyrics about the human condition affected my own writing. The founder, Jon Shaffer, has a very moving personal story about overcoming loss and poverty to found his dream band.

I own every album this band has made, and I can say that for a while, each release kept bringing something new to the table. Burnt Offerings had a 16 minute song based on Dante's Inferno which an English teacher I knew used in class. The Dark Saga explored the human side of Todd McFarline's Spawn character back when he was one of the breakout superhero stars of the 90's. Horror Show featured songs about the Universal movie monsters, and each one had its own distinct feel. The Something Wicked albums created a new universe of mythology that was uniquely its own thing. The Glorious Burden showcased well-crafted songs about historical battles and events with enough factoids to fill a Social Studies textbook. Each album did something different, and even when singers Matt Barlow and Tim “Ripper” Owens took their final bows, I still enjoyed the later releases, Dystopia and Plagues of Babylon. Sure, they weren't nearly as good in my book, but they had a new sound to them. Dystopia was mostly about Dystopian fiction, and Plagues had a harder, heavier feel to it, so each release was able to stand out on its own.

The last two albums may have been lacking a bit in the originality department, but this new one takes the cake as your standard, by the numbers, “nothing new to see here” Iced Earth album. We have your song based on a historic battle (“Clear the Way”), your songs based on classic literature or ancient myths, your song about death and spirits watching over us (“Ghost Dance”), and maybe even a Something Wicked story or two, I'm not even sure at this point. It's not a bad album by any means, but why on earth did any of us need a collection of every Iced Earth trope ever? It's not even an album I'd use to hook a new fan, because it can't stand on its own. It's like saying, “Here's what this band likes to sing about, now go back and listen to the good stuff on your own.”

Part of the reason for this could be a new direction the band is taking. The last album, Plagues of Babylon, was significantly darker and heavier than past releases, but that was at least a nice risk the band took, and it did somewhat pay off. Another reason that I may not like this one as much could be that I prefer Barlow and Owens as my vocalists, but I do understand that other than Shaffer, Iced Earth has always been a revolving door of talent. We've had Stu Block since 2011 as the lead vocalist, and while he does a good job, I've never completely gotten used to his voice. I think the biggest thing that bothers me about Incorruptible is the lack of identity this one album has. It didn't need to be a concept album, but there's no uniformity between the songs, and it just comes off like a mishmash of different ideas glued together.

This new venture leaves a lot to be desired, from this fan at least. It pains me deeply to criticize my favorite band so harshly like this, but I think constructive criticism should never hurt anyone. Personally, I'd like to see an album based on Jon Shaffer's life with the last song on the album being about the formation the the band. We already got “Watching Over Me,” a song about the death of a friend of Jon's who was the one who gave the band its name and logo. If they can do that, they could certainly make an album about their own history come to life. I know this band is more capable than this, and I'm anxious to see if any future releases excite me the same way their older ones did. I certainly hope they do, because I do not want to turn into an old geezer pining for the “good old days.”

Those are my thoughts on the albums I first heard in 2017, or at least, the ones worth mentioning. I hope you enjoyed it, and I'm sorry it took so long to complete. We're already almost at February! I'm not sure if I'll continue this feature next year, but we'll see how this is received. I know it's late, but Happy New Year, everybody!